began life as "Call Me Silvie" and things went downhill from there...
The latest version of
the story is still a combination of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and
Treasure Island, but with more haut couture and a little cordon bleu thrown
in for good measure (for example, today's menu features charançon
de biscuit à l'orange - biscuit weevils in orange sauce).
Imagine Jolly Olde Englande
in the days of Blackbeard the Pirate (early 1700s), when conscription was
all the rage and you could say your sooth professionally for a groat a
session as long as no-one reported you as a witch.
Imagine also Rumblestiltskin
James Ladd (played by Woody Allen), a professional Sayer of Sooth from
New York (in the days when New really did mean New) trying to eke out a
living - and we're not talking major eke here - in Plymouth Ho!, whence
he had gone to ply his trade and plight his troth based on a misunderstanding
of the meaning of Ho! and the phrase "Holly Gail".
R. Jim Ladd is the unfortunate
victim of a press gang (and we don't mean the editors of the New York Times)
and is conscripted into the British Royal Navy after accidentally accepting
the King's Shilling - or was it the Queen's Purse? There's a lot
of historical - and hysterical - research to be done to give the story
that sense of authority (in fact, any sense at all).
Actually it wasn't so
much the Queen's Purse that got him conscripted as the cosh on the back
of his head...
After only a few weeks
at sea Jim found his sea legs - someone locked them away in the aft stowage
for a lark - and he has finally stopped letting go for'ard due to severe
seasickness. If he's lucky, he will also soon stop letting go aft
quite so often too, although that's rather dependent on avoiding the weevils
in the ship's biscuits...
The naval vessel The
Good Ship Stewart Martha - on which our hero is currently learning how
to buckle his swash, polish his cutlass, shiver his timbers, splice his
mainbrace and load his musket - is suddenly attacked by the pirate ship
Chock Full o' Bar Stewards, manned by none other than Long Johns Silver,
the most fearsome pirate this side of the Spanish Main.
The luckless Jim and
a few other survivors are hauled off by Long Johns' crew to Camp Treasure
Island to learn how to be pirates. Among other things Jim invents
the wooden leg while trying to build a pipe rack, and shortly afterwards
creates the bagel.
Under Jim Ladd's influence,
however, it isn't long before Long Johns is, alas, afeared - not fearsome
- and more concerned with selling a franchise for Jim's latest creation,
a pseudoParis parfum, El Hedor del Pirata (Stench of a Pirate).
Treasure Island - now
renamed Îsle de Trésor
courtesy of Jim's new ideas - becomes a training camp for old buccaneers
to learn how to become one of the New Pirates, as LJ's followers style
We follow Jim's
adventures as he attempts to turn his misfortune into fortune all the while
filling the pirates' minds with angst and self-awareness, and all some
more of the while cunningly planning a cunning plan to get himself back
home to his Plymouth Ho! and his search for Holly Gail.
The plan is
so cunning that its left hand doesn't know that its right hand is sneaking
up behind it with a large mallet. Holly Gail is in fact Long Johns'
Moll (does that make her Molly Holly Gail?) and Jim must help her to choose
between them (by devising a version of "Blind Date" in which he, Long John
and Long Johns' talkative Greek South African gray parrot, Testicles, vie
for being the most charming).
our hero escapes (our hero is Jim, by the way - in case you hadn't guessed)
with Holly Gail, and with Long Johns Silver in hot pursuit (on account
of accidentally dropping chili powder into his pantaloons) the pair flee
across the one...two...three...Seven Seas and home to Plymouth Ho! where
the law and Long John finally meet in a duel to the almost but not quite
death, and everybody lives happily ever after.
The work is
being partly developed using ScreenPlay Systems' Dramatica Pro V4 and may
use other tools developed by ScreenPlay Systems.